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No matter how well you know someone, you can’t read their mind, and they can’t read yours.
Being able to kōrero (talk) openly about our whakaaro (thoughts) and feelings, and communicate our boundaries, is key to great relationships. It stops assumptions being made and people being misunderstood.
Think of healthy communication as a two-way street. Both people in the relationship take turns speaking and listening to one another. This helps strengthen relationships, avoid misunderstandings, and helps people deal with conflict. It also helps people to talk about tricky or difficult stuff with one another.
Communication can be hard, but the more we kōrero (chat), the better at it we get!
In the video below, rangatahi talk about healthy communication in relationships. What do you think? Check out our Instagram and TikTok for more.
Healthy communication involves kupu (words) AND actions.
When you need to kōrero (talk) about something with someone, it can help to let the other person know that you want to chat because you really care about them and your relationship.
While what we say and how we say it is important, we also need to think about how we act in conversations. We can say a lot without using any words at all. Our reo ā-tinana (body language), facial expressions and tone of voice can all impact the conversations we have with other people.
In any conversation, people will often flip between the roles of speaker and listener. After all, that is what healthy communication is all about - both people having their say, and both people being heard.
Click through the flip cards below for some pointers on how to ace being a great speaker and listener!
It can help to think about what you want to say to the other person before you speak with them.
Try to think of 2-3 key points you want to cover.
Keep coming back to these points.
Having a practice can also help.
It can be tempting to start conversations over social media or text, however things can be misinterpreted when you can’t see each other’s facial expressions and body language, or hear one another’s voices. Try your best to communicate in-person.
Avoid checking your phone. This can take your attention away from the conversation, and you might actually lose track of what you’re trying to say. The other person may also feel you are really interested in talking.
Use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings, rather than statements beginning with ‘You’. ‘I’ statements help you take responsibility for your feelings and not put blame on the other person.
For example, say “I feel…” rather than “You make me feel…”.
Don’t be tempted to bring up past issues. This can cause the conversation to go off track and you may find that nothing actually gets resolved.
How do you sound as you speak? It’s important to be clear and confident, but you don’t want the other person to feel like they’re being told off or that you’re talking down to them.
Try to have open body language when you speak. Avoid crossing your arms and standing over the person if they’re sitting down. Try to keep eye contact too if it feels comfortable.
If you start to become angry or frustrated, take a breather. It’s always better to communicate when you are feeling calm so that things aren’t said in the heat of the moment that could hurt the other person.
Thank the other person for listening. Let them know how much you appreciate it and that you value being able to share your thoughts and feelings with them.
Negotiation is super important when dealing with conflict, or disagreements. No one has to ‘win’ the conversation. Work on reaching a compromise together.
Avoid checking your phone. This can take your attention away from the conversation and can look rude. The person you’re listening to might feel you don’t really care about what they’re saying.
Don’t interrupt the other person when they’re talking or put pressure on them to hurry up. Give them space to fully share their thoughts and feelings. You will get time later in the conversation to explain how you are thinking and feeling.
Try to understand why they might be thinking and feeling the way they do.
Practise empathy by trying to put yourself in their position.
Be willing to apologise and take responsibility if you are in the wrong.
When we feel hurt, we often get defensive but this can get in the way of having healthy convo's.
Taking accountability for our actions is an important part of a healthy relationship.
If you are unsure about what the other person is saying, ask questions. This will show the other person you are really listening to them.
Try using open questions:
"Tell me more about that?"
"How did..." "How did that make you feel?"
"What else?"
Double check your understanding of what the other person is saying. Reflect back to them what you’ve heard and ask them to confirm whether or not this is correct.
Try to face the person who is speaking, and maintain eye contact if you think the speaker is comfortable with this. When sharing sensitive information, some people prefer not to have direct eye contact, so make sure to check this out.
If you start to become angry or frustrated, take a breather. When we’re calm, we pay a lot more attention to what is being said.
Thank the other person for sharing with you how they are thinking and feeling. It can take a lot of courage for people to open up.
Negotiation is super important when dealing with conflict, or disagreements. No one has to ‘win’ the conversation. Work on reaching a compromise together.
Check out some ways to get conversations going with people you care about: